lust for life

The last time I was in New York with Tristen and Kate, I was 20 years old.

It was July.

We were in a small apartment in Midtown that we could barely afford, even with the discount that a guy I knew from high school gave us.

Tristen & I had just spent the last two weeks in Bali and were both down to our last $200. But to us, it was all worth it to hear Frank Ocean sing live, and in person, at one of the three shows he played that year. The entire reason we were in New York.

(Also, the instagram pics. We crossed oceans for those.)

I had a moment one morning, getting ready for the day. I remember it so vividly. I wrote about it in my journal, and maybe even on the blog before.

I was in the bathroom, curling my hair. The bathroom was small, even for tiny New York apartment standards. But that’s only a detail that sticks out to me looking back. I had my phone on the sink playing music - Lana Del Rey’s new album ‘Lust for Life’ to be specific.

I was curling my hair in sections, like I had done one hundred times before. But somehow, during this routine, I caught eyes with myself in the mirror.

I made eye contact with myself, as if I had just made the connection for the first time that there was someone else in the room.

Because there was…

It was 20 year old me.

Staring back like a stranger.

Of course, at that point I had been 20 for a month, but the realization still shocked me.

The realization that…I grew up.

When did this happen? How do two decades go by so quickly?

I have a memory of being in Kindergarten on career day, discussing ideas for the types of adults our 5 year old selves could grow up to be.

But it felt ridiculous to imagine being an adult. It felt impossible to picture myself all grown up.

At age 5, I thought I’d feel 5 years old forever.

But years later, I declared to my girlfriends that 12 was my favorite age and I’d be fine if I never had another birthday.

Yet somehow, 12 becomes 13 and 13 becomes 14, and next thing you know, you’re a wide eyed 17 year old in love for the first time and you can’t remember what was so good about 2009.

I faced my 20 year old self in the mirror in real time that day.

I didn’t have to imagine my grown up self anymore. She was right in front of me.

I saw her. I met her.

And then, I embodied her. With proud tears filling our eyes.

That trip was memorable for me. For me, Tristen & Kate. I’ve been back to New York a handful of times since, but that time was different.

For years, we’ve talked about going back, just us three, to recreate the magic we shared that summer.

And last week, we finally had our reunion with the city.

There was no Frank Ocean concert bringing us in town this time, but I still think it was a worthy occasion.

WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING!

The dress of my dreams is made in studio in NYC. So as soon as I got engaged, I booked a fitting, and called up the gang to see if they’d want to make a little trip out of it.

Of course they said yes, and I was so happy that two of my best friends could experience such a big life moment with me.

(Listen, 5 year old me could not envision herself as an accountant or a doctor, but she could daydream about her future wedding to Jack from Titanic for hours.)

When it came to wedding dresses, I was pretty sure I had already found “the one” so actually trying it on was nerve wracking.

That’s a lot of pressure on one dress!

When the moment finally came, Kate and I went in the dressing room with the consultant and helped me into, “the one.”

I held my breath as I stepped into the dress, terrified that my expectations were about to be crushed.

She pulls the dress over my shoulders, and I look up towards the mirror, bracing myself for the big reveal.

But instead of seeing the dress…I saw my face.

The same face that looked back at me in that bathroom, 4 years ago.

Just a little older.


I looked beautiful. Probably more beautiful than I’ve ever looked before.

And in the same way it hit me in that bathroom 4 years ago, I once again realized that…

I was all grown up.

Here I was, in New York city again, with my closest friends, but this time, I was trying on dresses for my wedding to the love of my life.

The girls in the room eagerly asked me if I loved the dress.

I choked back tears as I embodied the beautiful 24 year old bride in the mirror and said,

”This is the one.”

The reason the moment in the bathroom made me so emotional all those years ago, was because I had dreamed of that girl in the mirror.

She was my idol growing up.

The idea of the girl I could be.

I thought I had made her up. A wild blonde 20 year old, hopping around country to country, seeing the world with her best friends.

And then all of the sudden she was right there, waiting for me to acknowledge her so the two versions of us could finally merge as one.

I got emotional trying on wedding dresses this week, because while 12 year old ‘me’ dreamed of that girl in the bathroom mirror - wild and free in New York at a music festival…

20 year old me was dreaming of her.

The girl who marries the love of my life, raises a beautiful child and runs a successful business.

Me.

I was guiding her the whole time.

In many ways I feel lightyears older and wiser than 20 year old me ever did.

But I also know that somehow, i’m being guided by the versions of me I can only dream about right now.

I find peace knowing I will come face to face with all of them someday.

I just hope whenever and wherever that moment is, it’s somewhere in New York City with Tristen and Kate.

Indy