i'm 19 and i'm on fire

THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD STORY 

I live with the constant thought of being 80 years old, looking back on my life. 

And that's if I make it that far. I have this theory that Taylor Swift will destroy our world before then, but if by some chance I reach 80, I want to look back and be proud of the life that I lived. The way I ensure that, is by constantly reminding myself of this concept. This simple thought, or mindset helps me in so many aspects. It's these little conversations with myself that bring me back down to earth.

it helps me let go of things that don't matter,

For example, when someone is mean to me on the internet, the conversation probably sounds like  

"will you really care about that twitter troll in 2077?"

It helps me focus on the things that do matter,

Like my family. I stay up til 3 in the morning most nights playing Mario Kart, with my 17 year old brother. Part of it is because I love the satisfaction of DESTROYYYYYINNNNG Danny on rainbow road for the 46th consecutive time, but part of it is because I know that when I'm old, those will be the memories I wish I could relive. 

So my old lady mindset helps me appreciate those memories.

But it also gets me into trouble,

Like when my total stranger airbnb host woke me up at 2 am asking if I wanted to go clubbing, I willingly got in an uber with him, drove to the other side of Manhattan and was illegally let into the club where we partied with famous rappers, and the Chinese Mafia until the sun came up.

Most normal functioning humans have that part of their brain that says "hmmm. probably not a good idea."

but that part of my brain is replaced with the repetitive phrase,

"when I'm 80, this will be a good story to tell."

and if you know me, I'm a storyteller. I'm filled to the brim with embarrassing moments, unbelievable "how did you pull that off?" encounters, and plenty of "you had to be there's"

So when my total stranger, might be a serial killer, airbnb host, woke me up at 2 am, all I saw it as was the beginning to a potentially really really good story.

My life, summed up in a sentence, is just a collection of really really good stories I'll tell my grandkids when I'm 80.

And the reason I'm telling you all of this, is because tomorrow I turn 20.

two, zero.

which, means of course, the end of 19.

And when you're a sentimental soul like myself, you're really bad at goodbyes.

to the point where, I'll go weeks without reading the last page of the book I'm on, because the inevitable end is too much for my heart to take. I can't even finish TV series because the goodbye is so painful. (do Ross and Rachel end up together??? I wouldn't know.)

Being 20, right now, really just means that I'm not 19 anymore. And I never will be again. And I think I'll always feel 19, but I'll never really be 'her' again. So the thought of that, sends me into a sentimental emotional breakdown. And it's when I have these sentimental emotional breakdowns, that the best blog posts get written, so here we are.

My tribute to 19.

Time is a funny thing, isn't it? I love how on your birthday, every year, someone asks you "do you feel different?" and every year, you feel so NOT different, it's almost frustrating.

You don't even know how disappointed when I woke up on my 11th birthday and still didn't have boobs.

But that's just how it is, nothing necessarily changes right? Tomorrow, I'll still be the same girl as I was today. Maybe with a little more of an inflated ego because of all of the birthday tweets, but none the less, I'll be the same.

But then I think about 18 year old indy. Who I was one year ago. One day before I turned 19. June 17th, 2016. And it's like a totally different person. 

I remember her so well.

What a drama queen right?

haha, honestly though that is one of my favorite thing's I have ever written. On my private Instagram account, to my thirty followers. That was real life. Those were my stories.

And I think if anything, THAT is what changes on our birthdays. When the clock strikes 12, and you're now referred to by a new number, a new social class, a new group. Other than that, the only thing that actually changes is the way you tell your stories.

All my adventures, and moments, and memories from this past year, after tonight, will be sealed up tight and tied with a pretty ribbon and titled "Chapter 19." There's no more time left for this part of my life. I'll have no editing power. It's written and it's published. Time is marching on, wether I like it or not, and now the only thing I can do is take these next 365 days to make chapter 20 a good one.

And I hate to break it to almost 19 year old indy, but almost 20 year old indy still cries a lot. And I have a feeling that won't change.

But I am happy to report, that it has been the best chapter yet.

Which brings me back to why I'm sad to see it go.

Because one day, 60 years from now, I'll tell stories. Like I always do. I'll be telling these stories to my grandkids, or Odell Beckham Jr, or maybe an academy award winning director who is making a documentary about my life. But I can promise you, that half of those stories will start out with,

"When I was 19...."

I'll tell them about the time I snuck into a private concert of my favorite band and got to meet the love of my life. Or when I almost died in Thailand from the crazy scooter lady throwing a glass bottle across the room trying to steal our passports. Wandering around Milan in the middle of the night wearing fancy dresses, running down the streets of New York City chasing Kim Kardashians car, crowd surfing at Coachella, or waking up on a rooftop in Paris and watching the sun rise behind the Eiffel Tower. 

I'll even tell them about how being 19 was hard, because I was constantly in and out of heartbreak. Painful, painful heartbreak, and intense social anxiety. How I developed body image issues, and completely lost my confidence. When I realized that the people I thought were my close friends, weren't actually good friends, and I finally had to cut off ties with them. Being 19 was hard, and they'll know that.

But if anything, I'll make sure they know that being 19 was when I learned to overcome those fears, and problems, and fall back in love with myself. Because every good memoir has conflict. Every hero is a little flawed. 

And someday, when I'm 80, it will be the greatest story of all.