the old indy can't come to the phone right now

Hi blog world, hi internet friends.

I know it’s been awhile, and I know….that I start off every post that way. The truth is - the internet has been a weird place for me lately. Lately as in like… a whole year. And we’ll talk more about that later but it just seemed like a daunting task to get on my blog and write. You guys are so nice to me when it comes to my writing. I think that is the only medium where I receive little to no criticism or hate. So you would think I would do it all the time, right? Girl who lives and breathes and thrives off of validation?? Yeah,  I don’t know Susan. I receive so much love and praise and yes, validation & attention when I write but I also feel an intense pressure. From myself, and only myself, but when I sit down to write, with the knowledge that it will be consumed by hundreds and thousands of people… I get scared! It is the only aspect of my life in which I am a perfectionist. 

I always think about people like Taylor Swift who manage to pump out hit after hit, banger after banger… every damn time. Does she ever get scared?? Scared that her next lead single about a scorned lover will flop on the charts? I mean i’m sure she does. But it’s what she’s good at. It’s her gift. It comes so naturally to her. She does it anyway, and it succeeds every time. And does it succeed because it’s her best most perfect body of work every time? Or is it because her fans, the people who love and adore her, will always be there, lining up on album release day, threatening beliebers and Kpop stans with their lives if they don’t stream? I think it’s that. 

It’s you guys.

So thanks for supporting me, and encouraging me to share my gifts with the world. I love you more than all of Taylor Swift’s  terrifying army of 14 vsco girl stans combined.

For that reason, today’s post will be a little bit of a life update - since that’s what you have been asking for. 

Like actually. You know on instagram when girls will get on their stories and say “I’ve had soooo many people asking about ___”  and I’m like… who. WHO IS ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN ROD MCKAILEIGH

But actually, I’ve had so many people ask me what’s going on in my life that it finally felt necessary to talk about it. And it makes sense. I put everything out there on the internet. My day to day life, my entire half naked body, my least favorite ex boyfriends, you guys get it all. And I understand I’ve been a little withdrawn lately…and once again….lately meaning…pretty much all year. Sooooo. let’s talk about it.

Moving to LA was one of the best decisions I ever made. I don’t regret a single second of it. Except maybe that one time in that one bathroom at saddle ranch with … you know what? I’ll save it for the memoir. But it was the time of my life. At moments, the best time of my life. And at moments, the worst. But it was a TIME let me tell you. It just didn’t solve all of my problems and make all of my dreams come true like I had imagined it would. I don’t even know what I really expected. I mean going into It, my plan was to either become youtube famous or get a job as a celebrity nanny and have an affair with the sexy A-list actor husband and give an exclusive interview tell all for a couple million dollars. When I got there… I realized, that’s pretty much what everyone was trying to do. Except maybe the home wrecking, cause you know, morals. 

I instantly got so turned off to the social scene. LA really does drain you. It sucks the life out of you, compares you to every Kendall Jenner cloned insta baddie, grabs your ambition, and tosses it in the trash with the $14 half eaten gluten free bagel from Urth Cafe. It’s just rough. After my seventh party hanging out with the same “socialites” who still had no desire to learn my name, I was just over it. I began to hate instagram and social media culture all together. It’s all anyone cared about. No one really wanted to be your friend unless you had something to offer them. A connection to a casting agent of a new Netflix series, or a table at the latest at greatest Hollywood nightclub. 

So I kind of just stopped. I was still having fun. The most fun I’ve ever had honestly. But the desire to prove it to other people was completely gone. 

That desire didn’t disappear overnight. It was gradual. But there was one night that really did put things into perspective for me.  I was camping with some friends in the desert and we were up all night, dancing around the fire, laughing until we were gasping for air, it was amazing. We were all hanging out, talking, doing whatever, when all of the sudden, someone yelled “TRAIN” and everyone took off running.  It was so dark, but I was just following the person in front of me, running faster than I’ve ran since the mile in 7th grade PE class, just screaming and laughing in between heavy breaths. We ran and stopped right next to the railroad tracks and in the nick of time, the train came speeding down, nearly blowing all of us over. I still remember how it felt. The adrenaline, the force, the screaming horn. There were probably 10 of us, just grown adults, hands in the hair, wind in our faces, screaming at the top of our lungs. It was pure euphoria. As always in these types of moments, the thought of “holy shit this is amazing” will come to me, and I begin to frantically try and hold on to every second of it. This thought is usually followed by me pulling out a camera or a phone, as a means to remember it. This time, my phone wouldn’t record. I had plenty of storage, my phone was working fine, but every time I would film - it wouldn’t be in my camera roll. I became even more frantic trying to capture this moment in time. I showed my friend, freaking out saying “why isn’t this working!?” And she said, “maybe it’s not supposed to.” 

I didn’t touch my phone for the next three days.

That night after the train, I began to think about why we have this need to share everything. And I started to panic. Seriously. I started panicking, actually breathing heavy, thinking about the hold social media has over all of us. Some obviously more than others, me….being in the “more than others” category. (I know, right?) but it just didn’t sit right with me. That moment on the train was so carefree, and special and happy - and I felt the need to share it. Which is normal. Thats what social media is for, to share those carefree happy moments. But why? I think I wanted people to feel what I felt. But when I thought about it… there’s just no way I could convey those feelings of adrenaline and joy through a grainy snapchat lens. Those people tapping through it on their phone screen wouldn’t know how it felt to stand next to a speeding train. They don’t care either. Maybe some people would think it’s cool, but then they tap through to their next story of mckaileigh talking about her shower curtains and never think about it again. 

And the truth is, I get it. Filming and documenting your life’s greatest moments, is not anything to be ashamed of. It’s taking advantage of the incredible resources we have. And even sharing them isn’t shameful. There really isn’t anything wrong with sharing your best moments, your drunken club snapchats, your famous chili recipe, or your new favorite song. The problem is we (when I say we, I mean me, but I’m saying we so I don’t feel so bad about myself mmkay?) feel the pressure, and the desire to share everything. And for what? Why? Why do I feel the need to have to establish how much fun I’m having to these strangers on the internet? Why do I need to prove to these people who don’t know me, that I look good today? Or that I went to this awesome party, hung out with awesome people at an awesome house? Can I still enjoy things, and moments without having to share them with the entire world?

I wanted to know. 

I got a DM a few months ago, from a girl asking me why I haven’t been traveling as much as I usually do. Huh?! I traveled to 11 countries this summer, more than I’ve ever traveled in any summer…ever! I was annoyed at first, but I then realized that I simply just don’t share as much as I used to. I don’t feel the need. In addition to becoming horribly depressed earlier in the year, and just the fact that traveling to a new country every month and constantly filming on 3 different cameras and posting about it the second I got wifi is very exhausting…. I didn’t desire the validation I used to crave. I didn’t read through my DM’s after posting, I didn’t share about every single event of the trip… I just tried to live in the moment as much as I could. And having done both, filming every second, and not taking my phone out once — I got my answer. If I could still enjoy things and moments without having to share them with the entire world.

The answer is …obviously, yes.

But you want to know the other side of the answer? I didn’t have more fun. I don’t look back on the trips where I was constantly documenting, as being less enjoyable than the trips where I unplugged. Honestly. I had fun regardless of my phone storage being full or not. And that, was unexpected. I thought my experiment of putting my phone away and breathing in the air, waving to the birds, smelling the roses - would be leaps and bounds more fulfilling than viewing it through a camera lens. But it really wasn’t. It was the same. The times I was glued to my camera, I was capturing the laughter, the slipping on the ice, the dancing infant of the Eiffel Tower, the kissing strangers at the full moon party. Those things happened, and they were real, and they were just as fun and memorable with or without a camera. And genuinely, I am glad I have those memories on film. I think my point here is that it wasn’t the documenting that ruined things for me. It was never that. It was the intention behind what I was documenting it. If I was documenting it to show my future kids someday, or to laugh about with my friends in 10 years while we sit around reminiscing on our twenties, then it was pure. It was great. But if I was documenting it to show my instagram followers how cool and funny I was, it just made me anxious. And sad, really. 

So I know that wasn’t much of a life update, but that’s where my head has been at lately. I’m trying to redefine my relationship with social media. Decide what I want out of it. Because I do want it. I do love it! I love making and posting videos. I love talking and connecting with strangers from all over the world.  I love posting pictures where my butt looks good. I just want to scoop up everything I love about social media in my arms, and let all the toxic, unimportant side affects that make me sad and anxious fall behind. 

Last week, someone commented on an old post of mine. It was my 2016 video. The video that went viral, that reached millions of people, put me on the “map” socially, really, a big reason for where I am in life today. The comment said “I feel like this indy died lowkey”

And sheeeeeesh! That one hurt! 

I’m still the same indy, with the same zest for life. Sunsets still make me cry, and I still fall in love with being alive, every single day. Despite my personal struggles, and my mental health - I love life. And I miss sharing that with you guys too. I don’t want you to think just because I’m not posting all the time about how amazing and crazy some experience was, means I’ve changed. I’m just trying to focus on my intentions you know? But I don’t ever want to lose sight of that young and hungry 2016 indy who created that life for herself. And part of that was posting and sharing my best moments online. So I guess, I just need to find the balance.

Thats what life really is all about right, balance? Life has been changing like crazy for me in the last few months, and I’m trying my best to adjust and maintain that perfect balance. 

So finally, to give you a real, and simple life update  (because details and vulnerability is something iiiiiii’m just not ready for today) We’ll keep it brief.

I moved home from LA. Theres a million reasons why, and  I’ll tell you about it someday when I’m brave enough. Soon hopefully.

I don’t have to sell organs off of the black market to afford my rent anymore.

I live with my handsome, sweet, Mac and cheese at 3 am making boyfriend.

My brand Lonely Ghost is crushing it.

I didn’t die from an athsma attack like I might have led you to believe…..

And I’m almost finished with my book.

I can’t believe this year is almost over. It’s been beautiful, monumental, heartbreaking, life changing andI feel like you guys don’t even know half of the craziness of everything that went down these past couple of months — But you know what? I’ll just save it for the memoir.