my favorite ghost story

Three years ago, I was on the phone with my on again/off again boyfriend. We were in our “off again” stage, which is an indicator of why I hung up the phone so abruptly on this particular night. 

I couldn’t tell you what he said that made me so upset, but all I know is, he ended the call with an “I love you” and I replied with a “see ya!” 

A mere three seconds after hanging up, my phone lit up with a notification. A text from Jackson.

“say it back”

I knew exactly what he meant. I didn’t say “I love you” before I hung up. And no matter where we were at in our relationship…we took “saying it back” very seriously. 

I texted back, “love you” because I was still feeling too petty for the full sentence, but it was a sweet moment. And a universal one, I thought.

How many of us have either jokingly, or seriously, begged for reciprocation after such a vulnerable expression?

For some reason, this particular incident resonated with me. 

I stared at the text conversation on my screen,

“say it back”

“love you”

I dove into the simple beauty of not wanting to end a conversation without saying “I love you.” 

…but also the deep, profound, complexity of not wanting to end a conversation without saying “I love you.”
In what I can only describe as a “lightbulb moment” the brilliance of this common interaction hit me like a train, and I knew we needed to use it as the slogan for the clothing brand I was starting. 

So I messaged my business partner,

“I love you, say it back. That should be our saying.”

And in what he could also only describe as a lightbulb moment, he replied in all caps, 

“YES.”

It’s hard to say we knew what Lonely Ghost was going to become, three years ago, the night I sent those two important text messages.

On one hand, I didn’t know the first thing about starting a business. I convinced my best friend’s husband, Bronson, only three months earlier, to pretty much drop everything to try this with me. He left his previous job, and we started from square one. No investors, no connections, no money. Just a lot of ideas. One thing we did have? 

A wild, uncontrollable, international, unexplainably powerful Influence. 

I had an online following at that time of around 200,000 people that spanned across the entire globe. 

I would get frequently get asked how I reached this height of modern social hierarchy, and I really never knew how to answer it. 

But looking back, it’s starting to add up.

Five years ago, when I fled the cage known as “adolescence” and began documenting my journey out into the real world - it was exciting. For me, obviously, but it had to be pretty exciting for a viewer as well. To watch an 18 year old from a conservative, religious hometown, break away from the predetermined path and create her own. I was so vulnerable. Like, soul cringe-ingly vulnerable. So young. So naive.

But that naivety, that beauty filter I had on the world, that unceasing belief I had in myself, it inspired a lot of people. It even inspires me today, looking back on it all. 

What really happened, was I finally got to step out of the sheltered bubble I was raised in for 18 years. I realized that there was more to life than what I thought I knew, growing up in Lindon, Utah. History went deeper. Beliefs, wider. I began to wonder, instead of one “right” way to live, like I had always been raised, maybe, we were…all…”right?” Maybe instead of the idea that there is one truth that will mysteriously be revealed someday, and the rest of us are living a lie…maybe, we’re all just…fucking different? Maybe, there are more ways to live. More ways to learn. More ways to love. More ways to express ourselves. 

Once I came to this conclusion, there was nothing I thought I couldn’t do. No wonder of the world I couldn’t selfie in front of. No obscure location on an off the grid island I couldn’t find simply off of a 2016 Tumblr photo. No VIP section I couldn’t sneak my way into. No family member I couldn’t disappoint with a bikini photo. 

I kept out doing myself, over and over and over again, constantly chasing this feeling like my life was just beginning. A blank canvas, standing in front of me. The next move was all mine. Every move was. Every color, every brush stroke. I was in control of my own reality, and the proof is living forever on the internet. 

200,000 people followed along this documentation, me traveling the world, standing on cars in front of the Eiffel Tower after France won the World Cup, moving to LA, falling in love, getting my heart broken, warning everyone about David Dobrik, getting pregnant with my delinquent ex boyfriend with a face tattoo…I shared it all. 

And as a result, I’ve developed a strong, loyal, family-like community. I’ve made friends, and even roommates from those followers. I’ve shared my darkest moments with these people. No matter what I was going through, it always felt like a safe place for me to be myself. To speak my truth. Because the people following this journey, were following me for a reason. 

There is a quote that says,

"If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”

These people loved me because they knew me. They saw me. And they related to me. 

We looked at life with the same big, wondrous eyes. We were apart of something bigger. 

When I first met Bronson, back in 2017, YouTube was the central platform for entertainment. 

There was a trend of online creators with cult like followings, making and selling “merch” like you’d buy for your favorite band after a concert. This was new at the time, and even controversial in a way, for creators to cross over into this space that was exclusive to “real” celebrities. Selling t-shirts with your face printed on the front? Only rockstars and nepotism babies were allowed to do that. 

But while obnoxious to some people, it still worked. 

Because Pop Star or YouTuber, it didn’t matter. The reason people buy shirts after concerts is still the same. 

They want to feel like they are apart of something bigger. 

So here I was with this platform and this loyal audience that went so deep and so wide. I wanted to create something with it. I loved fashion, but I knew that I wasn’t a designer. I also knew that I had zero experience in business, and not a clue where to start. 

But I also knew that I had an opportunity to create something tangible, to represent this feeling that we all shared. 

Enter, Bronson. Designer/business guy/everything I am not.

The yin to my yang, and the perfect person to help me execute this vision.

And so the legend has it,

This is how lonely ghost was born. 

2 years ago. February 2019. I’m in the airport, with Bronson and his wife (the best friend) Weslie. We’re walking to our gate when I lock eyes with an airport security guard. He looks at me for a second, and then breaks into the biggest smile I had ever seen.
“I LOVE YOU!” He said, beaming. I stopped in my tracks. Who just proclaims their love for a stranger like that? He continued walking past me, and I watched him go. 

“What the hell?” I said, looking at my equally confused friends.

Then, Bronson, with a sly smile, points at my shirt.

I forgot. I was wearing our very first sample of our very first product.

A plain white t shirt, with “I LOVE YOU SAY IT BACK” printed in big black font. 

And it was at that very moment, both of us looked at each other and knew…this shit was going to be good. 

The rest…is history. In the making.

ILYSIB

ind