friends that break your heart

I get attached easily. Actually, I think I just fall in love easily.

I have been asked out by three boys in my entire life and I ended up having romantic relationships with each one of them. It’s almost impossible for me to not fall in love with every person I meet deeply. It doesn’t take much. Once I learn the name of your childhood family dog or your most embarrassing moment from college or how you can’t see a movie unless you complete an in depth rotten tomatoes research…it’s game over. I’m already in too deep.

I guess that’s kind of why I stopped going deep with anyone.

I would avoid it, to avoid the inevitable pain that came from caring that much.

It was the same thing with friends, only worse.

With a boyfriend, you go into it knowing there will be one of two outcomes. You know you’re either going to get married or get heartbroken. It’s almost easier that way. It’s predictable on some level.

But I go into every friendship thinking that this person will be the maid of honor at my wedding, the godmother to my children or my bingo partner in the nursing home someday.

I never prepare for heartbreak when it comes to friends. And it blindsides me every time.

I’ve struggled with friends in the past. I have always had an anxious attachment style, especially when it comes to friendships. I feel like caring too deeply always ends up being my downfall. I put in my entire heart and soul into someone, and will continue this effort until resentment creeps in. Resentment that no one can love the way I do. Resentment that the manifestations of my love, are often unreciprocated.

I’m really good at self sabotage, and a lot of times that’s how some of these friendships end.

It’s terrible! And it always leaves me feeling so ashamed of myself. It was my biggest insecurity for years.

Why can’t I loosen my grip on the people I love?

Friendship breakups are just as painful, sometimes more painful than breakups with a romantic partner, in my opinion. There’s a special level of intimacy between best friends. Some couples never even get there.

Like I said before, with boyfriends and girlfriends, you break up because you get to a point where you know they aren’t “the one.” And as excruciating as that heartbreak is, theres a subtle relief that at least you tried. You saw it through. They weren’t right for you. They weren’t your match. Therefore, there’s no logical reason to continue the relationship.

With your closest friends however, you expect that intimacy to last a lifetime. There’s no wondering if they’re “the one.” Of course they are. You already decided that when they showed you pictures of the family dog. Unlike your boyfriend, there’s no logical reason to even think this relationship will end. You picture them with you through all of life’s seasons. And I think that is the reason why that connection is even able to go so deep in the first place.

It’s easier to be vulnerable when you’re not thinking about the odds of your relationship lasting.

But I think that’s also the reason it hurts so bad when it doesn’t.

I had a really bad friend breakup this year. A best friend break up, actually. This girl was my family. I loved her in the same way I love my sister. I knew every single thing about her, and she knew as much about me. We had been friends for years. There’s probably only two people on earth that ever knew me as well as she did. She was my person.

Earlier this year, my friend was going through a lot. She didn’t seem like herself. During this time, she did some hurtful things to me. She said some really hurtful things to me. In all of my years, I have never been so affected from an argument with a friend. I know a lot of that had to do with me caring so much. I’ve had friends say worse things. But because I loved her so much, this incident cut me to my core.

And because I loved her so much, I also thought that me expressing how hurt I was (for the first time in our entire friendship) would be received well.

Long story short, it wasn't received well. It all blew up in my face and we’ve only spoken a handful of times since.

I know. This probably isn’t the outcome (or the tea) you were hoping for. Me either! Me either.

But the details of our falling out are long, emotional, and honestly irrelevant to this blog post. I don’t want to focus on the story of how our friendship ended, and instead focus more on the breakthroughs that came as a result.

It’s hard for me to cut people out of my life. Not even people, anything I love. I had 36 stuffed animals on my bed in second grade, because I couldn’t imagine replacing an old teddy bear with a new one. So, they just piled up as the years went on.

That’s how it’s been with people in my life too. I can’t imagine replacing an old friend with a new one, so they just pile up.

But I never considered the thought that I might sleep better at night if there weren’t 36 webkinz stacked on my pillow.

I believe we came on earth for the opportunity to grow. For our souls to grow, evolve, and expand. I also believe that before we came on earth, we are in control or at least in the know, of some of the events that will facilitate that soul growth over the course of our lives.

I like to think of it as a big meeting before we are born. With god, with our angels, our spirit guides, all of our people. Together, we talk about all of the specific ways we want to grow on earth. From there, our spiritual support system will round up a crew of people who are equally interested in growing their soul.

These “actors” are essentially all of the people who make up the cast of your life. Your mom and dad, your 7th grade english teacher, your first kiss, and yep, even the friends that break your heart. I really believe we choose each other.

The people in our lives, I have come to learn, have very specific, predetermined roles to play. They’re not all going to become my nursing home bingo buddy. That’s not why we’re here.

These people are placed carefully into our timelines with the intention of helping us become our highest selves.

Each person is supposed to bring us a different lesson.

So when I started to see this situation through those eyes…I couldn’t be mad anymore.

I no longer looked at this person as someone who hurt me.

I looked at this person as one of my teachers.

I felt humbled by this realization, for lack of better words.

“Oh. Yeah.” I thought. “I asked for this.”

From then on, instead of dwelling on our falling out and asking myself where I went wrong, I started asking myself,

“What is she trying to teach me?”

And whats amazing… is that it’s this.

It’s everything I just wrote.

I just gave you the lesson she gave me.

This shift in mindset, all of this beautiful understanding, is a result of our friendship ending. I would have never came to these conclusions, or dug deep within myself if it wasn’t for this incident. This incident that at one point, seemed like the end of the world.

She taught me all of this.

She taught me that the people in our lives are our teachers, each with a unique and specific purpose & lesson.

She taught me that these teachers aren’t always supposed to stay forever.

She taught me that god will keep showing you the same lesson through different teachers until you’re finally ready to learn.

She taught me how to set boundaries.

And she taught me self love. Because with her gone, I had no one’s comfort to run to but my own.

These lessons have seriously changed my life. They’ve expanded my soul. I genuinely, from the purest part of my heart, feel gratitude towards this person. I no longer feel hurt, or resentment. I feel secure. In myself, and in my every one of my friendships…for the first time in years.

Another lesson she taught me? The pain she caused me, it wasn’t her. It was never her. She didn’t have the power to “cause” me pain, and I wasn’t to blame for hers either. But because of her I was finally able to get to the root of my anxious attachment issues and do the work to heal them.

For that, I am so thankful.

Sometimes we won’t know the lesson until years later. We don’t have proper perspective.

But I also believe that there is a divine sequence of events that need to unfold over the course of our lives. And maybe just thats the brutal answer to why the people we love can’t stay in our lives for forever.

One of my best friends I’ve ever had was my roommate in LA. We never had a single argument. I cherish every single memory I have with her. Last minute, she decided to not extend our lease, and I was crushed. I felt so rejected that I flew home to Utah to be with my other friends.

Guess what happened on that trip to Utah?

I uhhh………SEVEN HAPPENED OKAY?

If she and I had never had that fight, I would not be a mother right now. Seriously.

Months later we talked and we’re fine and I still think of her every time I listen to Nikes by Frank Ocean.

My point is, this best friend breakup I went through this year sucked. And sometimes I wish it never happened. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have brought up anything in the first place.

But part of me also knows deep down that there is a reason for it. Maybe it’s for me, maybe it’s for her, but there has to be a divine sequence of events being set up for both of us that requires us to spend some time apart.

I do still hope life brings us back together someday like it did for me and my old roommate.

But even if it doesn’t, it’s kind of nice to remember I’m one of her teachers too.